Ride Free

On the way back from the jail shower this morning February 3, 2011, one of the deputies who was escorting me mentioned a biker video and his wish that he could just ride free like the bikers in the video. I piped up and said, “But oh, you can!”

He replied, “Yah, but how would I put gas in the bike?” and I stupidly retorted, “You'd figure out a way, legally, to do it. People would feel for you and help you out.”

I wish we could have carried on the conversation, but before we could get much further we were back at my cell and the deputy removed the handcuffs and then went about his duties.

I've been here in Riverside county jail for over two years now, and I have never had a single conversation with any of the jail staff. The most I have ever spoken with them is in little snatches, like this morning, and even then only rarely. Usually when I am being escorted I keep quiet, which I suspect the deputies prefer since any conversation at all with me could potentially land them in a witness box, a fate that they generally rue.

But, if I could have continued our conversation this morning I would have liked to explain to that deputy (who seems to be a genuinely nice person) that he wouldn't need to depend on handouts for gas either (which even I would not abide). With just a little planning he could arrange to work for his fuel as needed (which wouldn't be much if the bike were in good condition), or even live off investments.

I would have enjoyed discussing the possibilities because it is something that I have often thought about. In my thoughts (and I mentioned this also to the deputy just before our conversation was cut off, but did not have a chance to explain), if I had just jumped on a bike and took off after the first time I got out of prison then I would never have felt the need to “get even” (i.e. rape and murder) with society.

Why? Because I would have been FREE! The entire time I was on parole I never felt free and frequently expressed this sentiment to anyone who would listen, especially the parole officers. I thought I would feel free after I got off of parole, but the sex offender laws would never allow that either.

I was confined to being a “sex offender” for the rest of my life and this confinement amounted to numerous and often painful restrictions on my existence. It determined were I could live, work, even play. I couldn't even engage in normal adult social activities without feeling the chains of my confinement chaffing against my psyche. The sex offender laws made me a pariah; state sanctioned discrimination in the most insidious form ever, driving sex offenders to re-offend by undermining their social support structures. Study after study prove that a good social support structure is essential to keeping an x-offender out of trouble. So why do we keep passing laws that make it practically impossible for a person to be socially accepted?

Because we love sex crimes in the news that's why. The popular media cashes in on this perverse love all the time, so there's no point in denying it. I never had a chance to not reoffend, it was just a matter of time.

But, if I had ridden off on a bike I could have escaped the prison of pariahism (hey, I know that's not a real word, but just go along with me here) by remaining anonymous and slipped the sex offender chains completely. So my frustration would not have festered in stagnant confines of social laws and I would not have ever felt the need to lash out in desperation at the perceived source of my misery.

There are actually many “sex offenders” who have made this kind of escape from social bounds, which the authorities are only too happy to constantly remind us. It implies that the reason sex crimes aren't going away in spite of all the intense new laws, is because of all the “unregistered sex offenders” out there. But what they don't tell you is that as a group, “unregistered sex offenders” are practically invisible (i.e. off the criminal justice radar). That's because very few of them reoffend. The overwhelming majority of them who do get arrested do so for not registering, not for committing some new crime. And every single one of them site the same reason for not registering: so they can socialize without fear, not so they can commit new crimes.

I don't suppose I'll ever get a chance to say all this to any of the deputies here in jail, though the information (in the right mind) could go a long way toward helping someone understand why I did what I did, and much more importantly, suggest ways to keep it from happening again (hint: killing me to “send a message” is not only barbaric, it only makes the problem worse!)

Someday society will understand, and maybe then we'll all ride free!

Checking Out Of The Hotel California (News Update)

The Riverside (California) D.A. accepted the plea offer that will give me “Life Without The Possibility Of Parole”, twice, in exchange for my guilty plea and admission to all special circumstances (aggravators). As I understand the reasoning behind the DA's decision, they figure the Federal death sentences will be carried out long before any California sentence; so why bother? It also gets the case out of everyone's hair (since I can't appeal the California case now). The plea has already been entered and accepted by the court (yesterday, March 15) and the actual sentencing is scheduled for April 5th (three weeks away). Shortly after my sentence (presumably within a day or two) I will be flown back to Terre Haute, Indiana (Federal prison). I am still waiting for a decision in the Federal appeal. If they accept my belated consent (i.e. notice) of appeal then the Federal appeal process begins from scratch (even though it has been two and a half years since I was sentenced in Federal court). I'm not sure what will happen if they do not accept the appeal. Probably the appeal attorneys will just file another appeal to the US Supreme Court. I don't know how long that takes though. Probably a year, or two, I would imagine. Either way, I'll be back in Terre Haute on Death Row for a while, and will continue this blog from there.

L.W.O.P.?

I must admit that I am a bit befuddled by the people of Riverside county's decision to not sentence me to death and give me L.W.O.P. (Life Without the possibility of Parole) instead. Of course this was not a decision made by any one person, or even by any select group. It was a decision ultimately made by the people of Riverside, and that's what has me perplexed. The District Attorney by himself could not have decided to not seek the death penalty without committing political and social suicide. I get the impression that the new D.A., who just took office a couple of months ago, seems to realize the importance of maintaining the “integrity” of his office. He would not undermine the power (a.k.a. authority) of his position by making decisions that were insensitive to the so-called “will of the people”. (And to his credit, I also don't think he would make the common political mistake of pandering to that “will” either.) So if the D.A. Is being as responsible as he seems to be, then how is it that I'm not being sacrificed on the alter of social justice? The popular media in this county has been following my case doggedly ever since my arrival here two years ago, and yet no one has raised a voice at all (at least not that I have seen in my limited persuals of the local paper) to demand that “justice be served” in my case. Why? Perhaps I'll never know. People still seem eager to execute other less notorious offenders. And my offense is not just high-profile, it is also extremely offensive, to say the least. (In case you don't know, I am in Riverside County Jail for charges of kidnapping a ten year old boy out of his own backyard where he was playing with several other children. I then drove him to a secluded desert ravine, raped him, then murdered him and left his bound and nude body to be found decomposed and ravaged by scavangers several weeks later. And if that wasn't bad enough, I got away with it, and there were no suspects in the case until I told them I did it after I was arrested in Idaho for a completely different – and even more violently shocking – case, eight years later!) So why spare me? Of course, there are the so-called “practical” reasons. For example, the county is in a fiscal crisis (what county isn't these days), and a death penalty case typically costs millions for the initial trial alone. But, that could never be used as an excuse to not prosecute such a high-profile and extremely heinous case as mine. So, what about the fact that I am already sentenced to three death sentences (for the Idaho case) in Federal court? That would make any death sentence in California seem superfluous, and indeed it would be insanely superfluous if I had continued to not appeal the Federal sentences. In that case I would have been executed by the United States long before California even got its hands out of its pockets. But, as you may know, I have decided to allow the Federal defense attorneys to proceed with their appeal. Yet still, the Federal appeal will be decided years before California even appoints an appeal attorney for me. And if my Federal appeal is denied, then again I will be executed before California even starts the appeal process. But, if the appeal in the Federal case is somehow miraculously won, and the Feds don't execute me after all, then, and only then, the California death sentence would act like a kind of (albeit very expensive) backup execution. Wouldn't that be “justice” (I'm just going by my own impression here of what most people think “justice” is, of course I would never call any kind of killing “justice”... “necessary” maybe, but not “justice”). Wouldn't that be enough to justify the expense of sentencing me to death here in the Golden state? I guess not, because nobody raised a stink when they heard the D.A.'s office was considering a plea agreement in my case that would “take death off the table”. Maybe the people of Riverside are just tired of hearing about this case. The “shock” value has worn off a long time ago, and now all that's left is disgust, and even that has turned sour over the years. So there's no “ entertainment” value left in the story for the media to sell... But wait, maybe this plea agreement will actually end up giving the story new life! People could be shocked and disgusted all over again at the new D.A.'s audacity for accepting such a deal. The media would love that they could spin it a dozen different ways and get a good few weeks of good “entertainment” out of it. We'll just have to wait and see on that one. Who knows? Obviously there are any number of reasons for why the people of Riverside county in California has spared me a death sentence trial. But the reason I like the most, and the one I personally prefer to believe (lacking any evidence against it, of course) is that the people have somehow, perhaps on the level of the collective unconscious, realized that killing, at least in this case, is wrong in a way that could potentially expose the “wrongness” of the death penalty in every case. I stopped killing and turned myself in and have taken full responsibility for my actions since. While these facts are relatively under reported (nobody likes to hear about a “monster” who doesn't act like a monster should act) they are out there, and even the most oblivious person must realize the significance of the fact that I didn't “get caught”, I surrendered. So maybe people are starting to wake up a little bit to a larger reality, where monsters no longer live in the shadows, or beneath beds. Maybe people sense, if not realize, that the death penalty is a crime too. Maybe...

Baby Huey

Baby Huey is who I think of every time I see this one particular baby-faced and overweight deputy. But unlike the comic duck, this deputy is filled with prejudice and hatred, especially toward me. I'm not sure why, since I have never so much as even acknowledge his existence beyond what is expected of me to exist peaceably in this jail. And even less than that actually, in his case, since he seems offended if I speak to him even in courtesy. So I don't speak to him at all. No sense upsetting the baby duck.

It is difficult for me to love and understand a person like “Huey”, because his level of ignorance seems astounding to me. But I am usually quick to remind myself that if I can't love and understand someone like him then I will never truly love and understand myself. And, loving and understanding myself is tantamount to loving “God”, which I believe is the most important task of all.

So, instead of suppressing my negative feelings toward him (and people like him), I realize that these feelings are only a symptom of a more basic flaw in my character. And, I let the feelings run their course, but under close observation. I am trying to understand my emotions, by seeking the source of their steam. I can only do that by paying close and objective attention to them, sometimes even interogating them to try to expose their hidden causes buried in the dark unconscious realms of my psyche. I frequently succeed, and have learned immeasurable volumes about myself and my relationship to “God”, this way. But I still feel like I want to hurt people like “deputy Huey”. I am clearly still missing something important and have more to learn.

So, I keep my head up, eyes, ears, heart and mind open, and hands inside the car. I'll figure it out eventually! :)

My Teeth Hurt And Other News

Yesterday my attorneys “made an offer” to the state to allow me to plead guilty if the death penalty is dropped. It would be smart for the state (actually, the county) to accept this offer since a trial in this case would pointlessly cause a lot of unnecessary anguish for the family of the boy who was kidnapped and murdered, as well as for the community in general. Ultimately, whether or not I am killed by the state (Federal or local) will be decided in Federal court. California can do little to nothing to effect what the Federal system decides. So forcing the families and community to go through an ugly trial would be pointless and maybe even cruel. As fas as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter whether it goes to trial or not, except that I'd really rather not be a witness to such futile anguish. That, and my feegin' teeth hurt! So I hope the “deal” is accepted so I can get back to the Federal prison in Terre Haute, Indiana, so I can get my teeth taken care of! Because I have been in one county jail (i.e. “short term confinement facilities”) after another I have been unable to get basic routine dental care. So, now, after almost six years of no floss and shoddy toothbrushes to try to keep my teeth clean my teeth have had enough and are starting to rot in my mouth uncared for. I imagine that just a hundred years ago I would have no place to complain. Back then most people didn't understand the relationship between oral hygiene and dental health. But this is a supposedly informed world these days, and I would hope that I'm not the only one who realizes that no general dental care means painful tooth problems and loss. So far I've managed to keep all of my teeth in my head where they belong (sans third molars, which I paid to have removed while I was living in Fargo, for hygienic convenience). I've never needed any dental work more complicated than a single-surface filling, or filling repair. I have no caps, bridges, root canals, or anything. I never even had to wear braces. But now, after over five years of forced neglect, I need at least one root canal, and probably several more fillings. So, I'm complaining, yes. Because like the trial here in California, there is no reason that I should have to suffer. (Unless you take a sick view of “justice” by thinking that I deserve to suffer severe tooth aches because of what I did to those children and their families. But in that case why shouldn't I just be drawn and quartered? If you think I should, then I wouldn't blame you. I'd just welcome you to the club!) If the offer is not accepted then I will stick to my plan of trying to get the trial over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even if that means firing my attorneys and representing myself again (which is definitely what it would mean). I'd have to fire my attorneys in order to not delay the trial any further simply because there is no way they can be ready for trial in less than at least another year (probably more time than that given the complexity of the case and the multi-jurisdictional issues involved). And if they are not ready then the judge can waive my so-called “right to a speedy trial” over my objections, in order to give my own attorneys time to prepare. And, since the only way I can get my teeth taken care of is to get back into Federal custody (i.e. “long term confinement facilities” which provides basic dental care) I would have no choice but to fire my attorneys, if the plea offer is not accepted, so I can get the trial overwith and then sent back to Terre Haute. I don't like being so drastic, but I don't like being in severe physical pain even less. Let's hope the case is settled quickly to avoid a rotten mess of a trial!

Circle Jerk

Yesterday (Friday) I had a “status hearing” before Judge Downing here in Riverside County (Indio, California). The trial for the case here is tentatively set for some time in March. But the defense attorneys cannot possibly be ready to go by then. So I must either consent to another time waiver (which allows the trial to be delayed again), or dismiss counsel and go to trial pro se (representing myself again). The problem is that I desperately need some basic dental work (fillings) to keep my teeth from needing to be pulled. Because I have been in short term confinement facilities (Jails) for the last five and a half years (since my arrest), and jails only provide “emergency” dental care (basically they only do extractions) and nothing else, I can't even get a general exam to find out what is wrong with my teeth. And my teeth hurt. At least three probably need small fillings, if not a root canal filling. I have always taken care of my teeth. I brush daily (though the only toothbrush I can have in jail frays badly after only two ot three uses) and would floss too, but the jail doesn't allow dental floss (it's supposed to be a “security risk”, but if I want strong nylon string to make a weapon with all I have to do is pull it out of my mattress, which of course, other inmates do all the time, destroying the expensive mattresses in the process). So I still have all my teeth and have never needed anything more than a few fillings, as I do now. The only way I can get the dental work I need is to get this pointless California case overwith so I can go back to Federal prison and have my teeth cleaned, examined and repaired. If I waive time and let the trial be pushed back again (the defense attorneys are asking for “at least 12 months”) then I will not only end up loosing some of my teeth, but I will also have to sit here for up to two months in pain while I wait for an “emergency” appointment to have the teeth pulled. So, I told the defense attorneys that I will not waive time for the trial unless they can guarantee I will have my teeth taken care of. Actually, I asked them about getting my teeth taken care of several months ago (as soon as they took over the case after I stopped representing myself last year). I even told them explicitly that my dental work was my number one concern. But after several months they basically told me that there was nothing they could do. So I told them I had no choice but to get the trial overwith in March so I could go back to Federal prison and have my teeth taken care of. Ultimately, what happens here in California is purely for show and will have no bearing on whether I live or die. If the Feds find me not competent on appeal, then any California death sentence will be rendered mute. And if the Feds find me competent, then they will kill me long before California even gets their hands out of their pants (and don't think too much about what they are doing with their hands in there). So there is no reason why I should sit here in jail and let my teeth rot in my mouth while they enjoy a good long circle jerk with me in the middle of the circle. (I actually wouldn't mind them jerkin' off over me so much if my teeth didn't hurt. It's not that I enjoy the attention of anything, it's just that I understand the “need”... believe me, I understand!) So now the defense lawyers are attempting to solicit funds (defense funds) to pay for a private dentist plus transportation and security to have my teeth worked on. But it appears to me as if they are placating (the requisition they showed me as evidence of their efforts was severely illprepared and underestimated) and trying to get me to waive time without a guarantee. They don't seem to realize how painful a sore tooth can be! They seem to think that I should just buck-up and sweat it out. And I might have considered doing that, IF the trial were anything more than a big pants pocket circle jerk. So, I did not waive time yesterday at the hearing. The court rescheduled another progress hearing for February 22nd. If I don't waive time then the trial will have to go in March, and I will have to represent myself again (since the lawyers cannot be ready by then). That's okay, I just hope my teeth will hold out until March!