Musical Cells

This morning I got to play the musical cells game. But it wasn't very fun because nobody got stuck without a cell and had to go home. :(

It seems that every 21 days inmates here in the SHU (Special Housing Unit, a.k.a. the hole) get moved to a random different cell (for "security" reasons, of course). The cell I just got moved to is a lot dirtier than the one I was in before, but other than that it's actually a lot better. This cell has a new mattress that's a lot softer than the old one (well, okay, it's really only a little softer, but it feels a lot softer after so much tossing and turning every ten minutes on the old one because it actually starts to hurt to lay in one position too long - especially because of how boney I am), and the new mattress even has a built in pillow which isn't the greatest, but it's certainly better than no pillow at all, which is what I had before.

The old cell was also just on the other side of the regular population inmate basketball court. It seems the backboard was attached to the wall just outside the cell, so I'd hear loud banging all day and in the evenings, and sometimes even late at night after lights out when the guards get bored and decide to shoot some hoops (and mess with my head perhaps, since they all knew I was in that cell).

I also got a cell with a stool this time, so I can actual have someplace to sit and eat, or write, as I'm doing now. And, I can see a little bit out the window to where the paint has thinned out some. So all in all, today is a good day.

It Never Ends

I am sitting on the floor of this concrete cell with two blankets and a sheet wrapped around me to keep warm.

The vent noisily blows cold air.

It is well past lights out.

The only light comes in through the small security window in the steel door.

I am sitting in the light so I can see.

I can't sleep.

And, I can't wake up.

I am thinking about God, the universe, reality...

The guard shines a flashlight through the window, sees me sitting on the floor writing, and is gone to the next cell in less than a half second.

I want to have a lucid dream so I can talk to someone.

I want to know who, what, when, where, and why I am.

I want to be free, from life.

I want to cry, but I can't.

I don't know why.

I want to die, but I can't.

I don't know why.

It never ends.

It never ends.

It never ends.

The pain never ends.

The beauty... never ends.