Merry Christmas From Death Row

I haven't really written much for 5NChronicles because not much really happens here on Federal death row; at least not much that I can write about without getting someone in trouble. I generally "lay low" and don't do anything to draw attention to myself either from the guards or other prisoners. Most of the really "bad" (small-minded trouble-makers) guards have been moved out of the unit (not by my doing, since I've never formally complained nor mentioned any names the few times I wrote about their antics here on the Fifth Nail --- oh, except for counselor Edwards. I couldn't really avoid mentioning his name because he was the unit "counselor").

Right this minute, the other prisoners are arguing over who's after who in the "line" for the phone. This is "normal". They act like it's the most important thing in the world, yelling at and insulting each other constantly. The "line" is just an informal agreement for who's next. If someone wants to use the phone (a black old-fashioned push-button phone with handset and receiver from the 1970s that has a long cord so it can be passed by the guards from cell to cell) then they must yell out, "Put me in line for the phone!" and then whoever is last in line is supposed to yell back, "You're after me!". But, what usually happens is someone forgets where they are in the "line" and so they yell out "You're after me" when they're not last, or maybe someone else yells, "You're after so-and-so", and the line gets all "messed up" and then the arguments inevitably ensue when someone realizes they got "bumped" out of "line". It happens several times a day. I try to avoid the arguments by not asking to use the phone when there is a long line, or a line with certain people "in" it that never remember who they are after who's after them, nor do they even pay attention to who's asking to "get in line", until they suspect they got "bumped" (because they weren't paying attention). It's a typical madhouse. (And if I ever get in the middle of one of the arguments I always just say, "Never mind, I don't need the phone that bad", and let them argue among themselves; which they seem to enjoy.) (Note: The Inmate Telephone System, or "ITS", is set up so each prisoner must "log on" to make a call using a sequence of numbers followed by a voice recognition validation. Once they are logged on they can only call numbers that have been approved for each inmate, and then they can only talk for 15 minutes before the call cuts off and the prisoner must wait 30 minutes from the end of their last call before they can make another call. That's the reason the phone gets passed so much between cells, and the reason prisoners "get back in line" over and over, so they can talk to their friends and loved ones for more than one 15 minute session, which is barely enough time to even say "hello" in terms of any real meaningful conversation. The "ITS" is designed to "thwart" abuse of "telephone privileges". But, all it really thwarts, as usual, is prisoner social contact --- the one and only thing shown to be more important for reducing recidivism than even education. Go figure...)

I know I seem to complain a lot about being in prison. But, the truth be known, I don't really mind being here at all. I told a friend (pen-pal) recently that being on "death row" is just another place to be. The food is terrible, but much better than it could be --- if you consider history, for example, which I usually do. The cells are cold, but I can take a warm shower any time I feel like it (each cell has a stainless steel shower stall), even in the middle of the night if I want. I am thousands of miles away from my family, friends, and fiancée, whom I can barely afford to call 15 minutes at a time (prisoners must pay 90 cent for local calls, $3.10 for national calls, and $14.85 for all international calls; so it gets expensive; and, of course, prohibitive). But, I know I am loved, and I can write my heart out (stamps are cheap and stationary is free) anytime I feel a little lonely. I don't get bored easily, so the T.V. (13' HDTV with about 20 channels, all provided and paid for by the prison to keep the prisoners pacified) and my books to keep me "entertained". I also have an MP3-player with over 400 selections of music and meditation tracks that help me relax and/or "escape" into my mind anytime I want as well (which is very helpful when I don't want to listen to the telephone arguments, for example) by just putting on my headphones (KOSS CL-20s) and turning up the volume.

All-in-all, I think I have it "pretty good", considering. My state of mind is steady and quiet most of the time. I have few worries, since death (as something to worry about) is "off the table" as far as I'm concerned. In fact, the two biggest worries in my life right now are losing my health, and losing contact with my fiancée; both of which are "problems" that death could in fact easily resolve! (And I mean that in only the most serious and upbeat way --- since, for me at least, death is a perfectly valid "solution"). If my health goes south, I can just "volunteer" to be executed, and hence be rid of my useless body. And if something happens with my fiancée, whom I love with all that I am, then I would not even need to "volunteer" in order to know that we will be together again some day --- because that is the promise that love makes.

So, I might even say I am "happy", at least relatively speaking. I am loved, I am comfortable, I am entertained, and I am not confined (within my own mind): What more could anyone want? Christmas dinner, of course! And we get that once a year, too. A feast fit for nearly any king (in history at least), thanks to the modern miracles of agriculture and commerce. So, I'm not complaining at all really. I'm just trying to record things as they are. And if that sounds like I'm complaining... well, that's not my fault either; it's just the way things are.

Merry Christmas!

[J.D. December 24, 2016]