"Child Porn" Found In My Cell... Again

A couple of years ago the Federal marshals who were responsible for escorting me to and from court in Boise, Idaho, searched the jail cell I was in and found a document about Jewish child sex laws in the Talmud. Though the document was part of my case (and in an envelope marked clearly as «confidential legal material») and contained nothing «pornographic» at all (it was strictly a discussion of historical law), apparently the title of the document alone was enough for them to confescate it as «child pornography» (see: "Child Porn" Found In My Cell). And now, here in USP Terre Haute, Indiana (Federal «Death Row») the guards have again prejudicially found so-called «child pornography» in my cell, only this time they want to severely discipline me for having it, in order to «teach me a lesson». The only problem is that like last time (and times before when I was in state prison as a «child rapist») the material they found does not even come close to being «child pornography» by any standard, legal or otherwise. It is only «porn» in the minds of those who accuse me, and then only because of what THEY imagine it represents to me, not because of what it IS. And, like all the times before, and regardless of what the material may actually be, a record is being established that indicates (falsely) that I have a habit of collecting child pornography, even while I'm incarcerated. It's a perfect example of a self-fulfilling criminal profile.

In the case at hand, my girlfriend has sent me a few pictures that she printed from the Vogue Paris Website of a beautiful and famous child model named Thylane Blondeau. My girlfriend prints pictures for me in almost every letter of stuff she finds interesting and/or related to what she is discussing in her letter. She normally does not send pictures of children, and I have never asked her to do so. But, in this case the «determined» look on Thylane Blondeau's face caught my girlfriend's interest. So, she sent several images of Blondeau famously dressed, made-up, and posing as an adult for various advertisements. In every photograph Blondeau did indeed have a very stern and «determined» expression. But, none of the images were pornographic, unless you think a shirtless prepubescent girl (with no breasts or even hint thereof) is pornography. It just so happened that one of the images showed Blondeau posing with no shirt, and that was the image that the «correctional staff» here in Terre Haute thought «appears to be child pornography».

You have to remember that this picture was sent to me through the mail. So it was opened and inspected by the mailroom before it was issued to me. I had no reason in the world to think anything was «wrong» with it. In fact, I have seen far more arousing pictures of children in popular magazines like Reader's Digest, or National Geographic. And if I do find a picture of a child particularly arousing then I get rid of it. I don't keep pictures of children in my cell for sexual reasons and I never have (despite my «criminal profile»). So, you can imagine how flabbergasted I was when I found out that once again I was being accused of having child porn in my cell. And it doesn't matter if I am «found guilty» or not, because the «record» has been established and even if somewhere down the line someone officially admits that a «mistake» was made and the picture isn't child pornography after all, this «disposition» will be burried and effectively lost beneath the initial accusation. So, there's nothing I can do now except try to avoid the disciplinary repercussions.

Because of the «seriousness» of my offense, the «Unit Team» referred the incident report (informally called a «shot» around here) to the «DHO» (Disciplinary Hearing Officer) with an explicit recommendation that I lose all my «privileges» in order to «deter any futher violations of this nature». Never mind that this is the first «shot» of any kind I've gotten in Federal prison, and never mind that it was only one picture that according to B.O.P. policy and Federal Law isn't even close to being «pornographic» much less «child pornography». Apparently, the accusation alone is what makes the «offense» so «serious».

I prepared a written two-page statement in my defense that explains why I had no reason to think the image was «unauthorized». Along with this statement I included copies of B.O.P. Policy («Program Statement Inmate Correspondence») and Federal Law (18 USC 2256) that clearly defines «child pornography». I also made some copies of pictures of children in magazines and other materials (books and letters) issued to me through the mailroom that might «appear» to be child pornography (if you consider bare-chested little girls and naked baby butts pornographic) but, of course, are not. My hope here is to establish a pattern of what I have been «authorized» to have in the past (so they can't say I received the picture in the mail by mistake and should have «reported it» or something).

I don't know when I will see the «DHO» for the final disposition. But, my written statement with all the supporting documents has been submitted, so they should have no excuse to find me «guilty» of anything. They may decide that this image of Thylane Blondeau is «inappropriate» for «security» reasons (and even that would be a stretch), but that still doesn't make it «child pornography», nor does it make me a culprit. In fact, the «shot» alone, because of what it implies I am guilty of, is more of a «threat to institutional security» than the picture itself could ever have been. The only threats and abuse I have received since I've been in Federal custody have all come from staff, not other prisoners at all. And a «shot» like this only reinforces prison staff's reasons for threatening and harassing me, regardless of what the picture itself is or isn't.

So, we'll see what happens. I may still be «found guilty» simply because of what I'm on «Death Row» for. But, if I am found guilty it won't be because I am guilty of anything, except being a «sex offender».

FRP: Confusion and Lies

A couple of months ago I reported that after some unnecessarily convulted discussions with the SCU (death row) “case manager” I had managed to negotiate an understanding and agreement that would get me off of “FRP refuse” status so I could spend more than $25 a month on commissary. Well, it seems that there never was any agreement, or understanding, as far as the “case manager” was concerned.

The agreement that I thought we were clear about was that I would pay $25 out of the money that a friend sent me as a gift (so I can buy things like stamps, coffee, hygiene items, and maybe a little candy once in a while, but mostly to pay for phone calls, which cost $3.20 for 15 minutes) into the FRP fund (which I asked several times for information about what this 'fund' is used for but never received an answer except, “it is part of your court ordered financial obligation”, which is as much a non-answer to my question as you can get). I had agreed to pay the $25 even though according to B.O.P. Policies --- which I read carefully --- I should have been “FRP exempt” because I received less than $450 in the previous six month period. I tend to not argue with how staff here choose to “interpret” the policies, since they have already established their ability to ignore policies when they choose by simply replying nonsensically to any written requestion for compliance (see: What's Justice Got To Do With It?). 

So, after I asked my friend to send some money to pay my “court ordered fine”, I sent an e-mail (I'm allowed to send e-mails to staff, but not to my lawyers or anyone outside of the prison because I am a “sex offender”) to the “case manager” to let him know the money had been posted on my account so he could arrange for the $25 FRP withdrawal per our agreement.

I even attempted to accept responsibility for the misunderstanding we had prior to our agreement, figuring as I usually do that it takes two people for a misunderstanding to happen. I had genuinely hoped the issue was finally going to be resolved by my paying the $25 FRP fine.

But, Mr. Shepherd, the “case manager” had other ideas. He replied, rather harshly, that no agreement had been reached, and in fact I had “refused to sign any new agreement”. Of course no “new agreement” was ever presented for me to sign when I spoke with him at my cell door for the “Unit Team” hearing. He was plainly lying in order to cover up the fact that no new “FRP contract” had been drafted or offered. If one had been drafted, which the computer system can do automatically, then I would have been assigned “FRP exempt” status because of my low funds, which were clearly shown to be well below the “FRP participation” level (i.e. below $450 for six months). So, according to Mr. Shepherd, I “refused to sign” an agreement that would have made me “FRP exempt” and I wouldn't have had to pay the $25, which I had verbally agreed to pay, as I clearly indicated in this first e-mail to Shepherd concerning the matter.

 

It was instantly clear to me what was happening, but I didn't want to believe it. I thought Shepherd was the one “Unit Team” staff on death row that had any integrity at all about doing his job. I thought he might condone the lies and manipulative behavior of other staff (which is a defacto prerequisite of prison employment), but I never thought he'd do it himself. So, I reasoned that maybe he just mistakenly got me confused with another prisoner or something. To find out I sent him another e-mail, that very planly and explicitly spelled out the verbal agreement and understanding that we had come to at the “Unit Team” hearing (at my cell door a couple of weeks prior), and specifically asserted that I had not refused to sign anything.

And, I again attempted to accept my part of the responsibility for our misunderstanding in this e-mail as well, hoping beyond hope that Shepherd would realize that I was not trying to “get one over on him”, so he would be more willing to admit and accept responsibility for his error (something I knew almost never happens amongst any prison staff because it's simpler and more prudent to push their mistakes off onto the prisoners).

Shepherd again denied that any agreement was reached, this time in a lengthy reply that was clearly to me meant to distract from his primary lie (i.e. that he offered me a new contract at the celldor “Unit Team” and that I had refused to sign it) by providing a lot of superfluous and irrelevant information, including a lot of direct and implied accusations of wrong doing on my part (standard, “blame the inmate” rhetoric), and misrepresentations of B.O.P. Policies (he claims that I must be “indigent” in order to be “FRP exempt”, but that's not what the policy says at all).

I was sadly disappointed in Mr. Shepherd. He just proved once more that prison staff, even the most benign staff, are no more than a bunch of criminals themselves. I knew there was no point in trying to argue (or request an “Administrative Remedy” since “Unit Team” control that entire process also). So I just sent him one last e-mail in order to express my disappointment and hopefully “guilt him” a little into thinking about the broader consequences of his deceit (i.e. undermining all prisoner “respect for authority” to start with).

  

I didn't bother checking to see what his reply to this last e-mail was until a couple of weeks later, when it was time to “revalidate” my MP3-player. I pretty much knew exactly what he would say (I even told my attorney what his final reply would be a few days later on the phone). He replied exactly as I expected; more denials and accusations. Staff generally never let the prisoner have the last word about anything, because to do so would create the appearance that they aren't the one in control --- which is something that seems to concern them greatly (i.e. maintaining the appearance of control).

[J.D. January 7, 2015]

155 Pounds

   When I lived in Fargo, North Dakota, from the time I was released from prison in Washington state in 2000, to the time I was on my my «rampage against society» in 2005. I weighed between 180 and 185 pounds. I weighed 185 pounds precisely, at the time of my arrest in Idaho, on July 2, 2005. Today I weight 155 pounds, according to the digital scale the medical staff let me use this morning.

   For some reason I've lost eight pounds just in the last three months alone (since the last time I weighed myself). I'm not too concerned yet, since my appetite seems okay, and when I was in prison in the early 1990s I only weighed about 135 pounds at the same height (six-one). I was a skeleton then, now I'm just really skinny.

   This weight loss might be a good thing. I don't get as much exercise as I did while I was living in Fargo, where I was very active (biking, skiing, running, scuba diving, swimming, and of course lots of vigorous sex, amongst other things), so dropping weight is actually probably a healthy thing to do (not as healthy as exercising, but much healthier than gaining weight). But, I haven't been making any conscious effort to loose wieght, other than simply choosing to go hungry rather than eat food I don't like.

   More and more lately it seems I have been going hungry because the food they give me here is frequently unappetizing to put it politely. I'm just happy that we still actually do get something I like often enough that I haven't lost even more weight. Though apparently I've been put off from eating more and more lately, and the only reason I can think of is that the food quality has been getting worse overall. I'm not much of a food person to being with; eating is often a chore for me, even when I can have anything I like. But, what I like is lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, and well cooked protein. Sugar and starch is okay, but never a first choice for me (I was never a Krispy Kreeme fan). In Fargo I enjoyed (and miss) snacking on raw broccoli, caulifower, and carrots with a salad dressing dip (usuallt blue cheese or ranch). My favorite entrees at home were hamburger helper (with extra meat and beans added the way I liked) or tuna sandwiches made with Miracle Whip and sweet pickles on sourdough bread.

   Here, though, I'm lucky to get any fresh vegetables at all, and the so-called fresh fruit that we get once or twice a day is obviously stuff that could never be sold in an American supermarket. The oranges have no flavor and the apples are mushy and bruised. The fruit's not like that all the time, but often enough so that when it's not like that I get very happy and feel «lucky» for that day.

   The entrees they serve are hit or miss, more miss than hit. I don't like peppers (or anythng with capsaicin in it) or «spicy» food in general, and honestly don't understand how anyone can (it literally makes me sick). So when the cooks here get it in their mind to play chef (something you're not supposed to do as an institutional cook when you are cooking for a large group and not individual tastes) and starts spicing up the food (usually with lots of pepper and/or peppers) I get extremely frustrated. I can't tell you the number of times I'll be eagerly waiting for the fod trays to arrive only to discover that the otherwise perfectly good beans have been ruined with pepper. They sell pepper here on commissary, so if a prisoner likes destroying their tastebuds that way they can do so all they want. I myself can't eat it, and usually end up going hungry again, unless I have saved some rice or something from another meal which I do when I can.

   So, I blame the food here for my wieght loss; or, I should say, I CREDIT the food here for it, since it's not really a bad thing. If you think I'm complaining then you haven't read this correctly at all. I'm simply trying to relay my experience, as always, for whatever it might be worth.

FRP Refuse

   About six months ago the Unit Case Manager came to the door of my prison cell and asked me to sign the six month review that he printed off from his computer. The form is supposed to contain information relevant to my “rehabilitation”, which is kind of silly considering I’m on death row. It’s also full of a lot of wrong and completely untrue information, such as extremely exaggerated drug abuse (I’ve used marijuana in the past, but never let it interfere with work or school; the prison report paints me as a meth-addict, even though I’ve never used meth in my life; I’ve played with coke a few times, but I’ve only done so when I could afford to do so (an occasional weekend, but no more) and I’ve never been in trouble for using drugs of any kind). It also fails to acknowledge any of my academic accomplishments. The report claims I am in fact a high school dropout. It also says I was homeless and unemployed at the time of my arrest, which is technically true, so I guess I really can’t argue, except that prior to my “arrest” in Fargo, North Dakota (where I was technically “arrested” for molesting two boys on a playground, though I actually walked into the jail myself, and walked out a couple of hours later on bail that I posted with a check drawn on my own bank account (i.e. nobody “bailed me out” as some people claim, though I did borrow the money from a friend so I could bail myself out), and I was never cuffed or placed in a cell, only photographed and fingerprinted) I was working two jobs and attending NDSU (North Dakota State University) in my final semester to complete an B.S. degree in Computer Science. I paid all my bills every month, was never late paying rent, and generally had no problems managing my money. I worked full time as a computer programmer for an industrial automation consulting company, based in Moorhead, Minnesota, and part-time as a computer programmer/research assistant in the Computer Science department at NDSU (under Professor Bruce Slater). My employment record, up until that initial arrest, for both jobs was impeccable; I always showed up for work on time, and performed my job above expected standards (I was a well above average programmer to say the least). I’d hardly count that as “homeless and unemployed”, though I was both of these things a few weeks later after I jumped bail and set out to “punish society” for destroying me.

   Those are just some of the errors that this “official report” contains about me. I’ve tried to point them out in the past, but was basically told, “Unless you can provide proof that the report is in error it stands as is.” Since I really didn’t (and don’t) care what lies the System tells about me (since it regularly tells so many lies about everything else), I never bothered offering “proof” (though I did send a copy of the report to my attorney with all of the misinformation highlighted and explained, just in case anyone tries to use the lies in court someday, which is par for that particular course). So now when a six-month review comes up and I’m asked to sign this same report every time, uncorrected, I simply look it over to note that it is still in error, then make some note, such as “signed, though report is in error”, and then sign it to make “them” happy. If I refuse to sign it then they make a big note of the fact in my central file as a way to flag me as a “trouble maker”.

   Also, six months ago, the Case Manager at my door said, “Oh, by the way, we’re increasing your FRP (Financial Responsibility Program) payments from $25 per quarter to $25 per month.” (Not an exact quote.) And, he wanted me to sign a new “FRP Agreement” form. I protested that the only reason I had more money than usual over the previous six months was because I had asked a friend to send me money to buy an MP3-player (which cost about $75) and some music (which cost about $300). I tried to point out that the money they were taking from my account for FRP was all money given to me as a gift by people who wanted me to be able to purchase a little commissary, it was not MY money for them to take; i.e. they were indirectly but effectively taking money from my friends, not from me, since my friends will gladly send more money to pay the FRP so I can still get commissary (and pay for phone calls and stamps and such). Of course my arguments held no sway, I was after all just a “manipulating inmate” trying to “scam” the system. So, I ended up signing the agreement, because if I didn’t agree (by signing) then I would be placed on commissary restriction more severe than a disciplinary restriction! I’d only be allowed to spend $25 a month, which is barely enough to pay for coffee and toothpaste; they call it “FRP refuse”.

   But, I didn’t just decide to let my friends pay the FRP tax (the money is supposed for court fines and victim compensation, but I doubt if it goes any further than some general fund that gets used to pay salaries and other prison expenses; when I asked where the money went I was told that “they” had no idea where it went!). As soon as I could I looked up the FRP policies on the prisoner “law library” computer. I learned that if I missed a payment (by having less than the amount due in my inmate account at the time the withdraw is attempted by the system) that I’d be automatically made “FRP refuse”. And since I didn’t think it was fair for my friends to end up paying my “court fines” (per se) I decided to deliberately let my balance drop below 25$ (by asking my friends to not send money) and then live off $25 per month (which really isn’t a big step down in my standard of living these days --- if you don’t count my newly acquired MP3-player and music).

   The plan was to live off $25 for six months, and thus bring the deposits to my account to well under the $75 per month FRP exempt level (according to the policy, we are allowed $75 a month for “phone calls and postage” that is not to be considered for FRP payments). But, for some reason the monthly $25 withdraw did not happen. Instead, after the usual three months, the system attempted to withdraw $25 that I did not have. But, it did not make me “FRP refuse” until the next month, when I still did not have $25 in my account. But, now, finally I am “FRP refuse” and I’ve been managing contently for the last couple of months thusly.

   Today the Case Manager returned to my cell door with the usual six-month fictitious report. I made it a point to ask if the fact that I have less than the $75 per month sent in over the last six month will cayse my FRP status to be re-evaluated. I was told, no. I must request to make an FRP payment ($25), then at the next “cycle” when this payment is received my status would automatically change to “FRP participating”. When I protested that this procedure was not indicated in the official B.O.P. policies, I was told that was too bad, and that I should expect “consequences” for refusing to fulfill my agreement. I tried to point out that I was doing everything I could to “play” by the rules”; but, if I didn’t know what the rules are (a problem I have a lot, since “official policy” frequently conflicts with “official procedures” around here, and getting someone to explain “official procedures” is worse than pulling teeth) then how can I be expected to follow them?

   The Case Manager kept accusing me of trying to “work the system”, which I found rather insulting; especially since I felt I was doing everything I could to obligate the “system” and keep getting “worked” myself as a result. I tried to explain this to him a couple of times but quickly realized that he could hear no reason, only “inmate manipulation”. So, I quickly gave up, asked him to confirm the “new rules” he had just given me (alas, a tooth finally pulled after much effort to get the same one out in the past!) and then apologized for my own “misunderstanding” (in hopes of mending his fixed impression that I was only out to get something for myself).

   I wish I could let him (the Case Manager) see how he appears to me, but I can’t. The best I can do, the best anyone can do, is try to honestly see how I appear to him, and then do my best to adjust that image; towards something a bit closer to reality.

Release Day Update

   Well, it has been about six years since I was sentenced to death, three times, in Federal court. And, though I did not appeal --- and even informed the courts that I had no desire to appeal --- the lawyers (for the government and the “defense”) are still “litigating” (i.e. arguing) over whether or not an appeal should be “allowed” anyway (regardless of my wishes). The “defense” attorney’s claim that I was not legally competent to waive my appeal, so the “notice of appeal” that they filed (in 2008) on my behalf and against my consent (even though I was officially a “pro se” defendant, or “representing myself” at the time) should be accepted and the formal appeal should be allowed to proceed.

   Six years! And “they” still haven’t decided if there will even be an appeal! It’s no wonder no one on Federal death row has been executed since… (Actually, I don’t know the last time the Federal government officially killed an American citizen, but it’s been many years methinks.) At least two other prisoners here on this death row have told me (privately) that they too have tried to waive their appeals, but their attorneys also have prevented them from doing so. I suspect there are many more such cases than anyone wants to admit. (What good is “capital punishment” if most of the people who get sentenced to death either want to die or simply don’t care if they do?)

   My appeal attorney thinks the court will rule to allow the appeal, if for no reason other than the fact that in 2010 I signed a formal statement that essentially reversed my position on resisting the attorney’s efforts to appeal on my behalf, even though I continue to disagree, with any appeal, on principle. My attorney says the appellate court should consider this signed affidavit as consent, if not a desire, for an appeal. But, the government (prosecutor) is claiming that since the “consent” was not received within the appeal time limit that it is not valid. My attorney says this argument is weak from a legal standpoint because the courts don’t want to stop a death sentence appeal on a mere technicality.

   So that’s where my case stands to date. The appeals court should rule on whether or not to allow the formal appeal sometime next year. If they rule that my waiver was valid, and the time to appeal has expired, then I could be executed within another year after that. But, unfortunately for me, that is not very likely. (I still consider my so-called “execution” to be a “release date” and look forward to it with sincere anticipation.) If they decide to allow the appeal then it could be another ten to twenty years before I get an execution date, assuming I eventually “lose” the appeal. And then there is the very small chance that the appellate court will rule against the district court by deciding that I was incompetent after all. In that case there would have to be a whole new trial, and the outcome would be heavily slanted by the incompetence ruling, so much so that the prosecutor could be inclined to offer a plea agreement for life without parole --- an agreement that I’d never sign, of course, but I doubt if that’d change anything.

   Just for the record here, my position in all of this hasn’t changed. I made a mistake by interfering with the attorney’s attempt to appeal against my wishes. I should have said nothing, but my pride got in the way. I didn’t want people to think that I agreed to an appeal. So, I wrote the judge and told him that the attorneys had filed the notice of appeal against my wishes. The judge then tried to stop the appeal, but the attorneys claimed it was no longer his jurisdiction; the appellate court now had to decide whether or not to all0ow the appeal. And thus the madness continues.

   My position has always been, and still remains, that I want nothing to do with the process of deciding what should be done in the name of the false god we call “Justice”. Since my arrest I have striven to provide only the open and honest truth to anyone interested in knowing the truth (which generally excludes all marketed media, such as commercial news agencies, and T.V. talk shows, etc…). But, I have never attempted to sway or suggest what should be done in response to my crimes (with some exceptions, such as when I wrote the judge and told him about the unwanted appeal). I believe with all my heart that I should be killed, but NOT judged. The process of judging a criminal is a distraction that prevents us from seeing the simple truth of the matter; WE raped and killed those children together, and WE must take responsibility for it together, not push it all onto one man, a human scapegoat/sacrifice in the name of our false gods (ideas) of justice.

   I could go on and on, but if the reader doesn’t already understand what I am saying (which is essentially no different than what men like me have been saying since the rise of civilization itself!) then it’s not likely that any words I use here will enlighten them. So my words are for posterity, and perhaps some comfort and reassurance for those who already understand.

The Divide and Conquer Phenomenon

   The System will always find ways to propagate itself, usually by playing on the fears and ignorance of those who buy into its deception. Case in point, today I found out from another prisoner (whom I will not name in order to protect him from repercussions) that one of the guards involved in the phone privilege incident several weeks ago (whom I also will not name, to protect the same prisoner from repercussions) told several prisoners in no uncertain terms that if they continue to “fuck with Duncan” (a direct quote that in this case means talk to, or otherwise associate with, contrary to its apparent meaning) that they themselves would be put on “status” (i.e. treated with the same overt disrespect that the guards use to treat “cho-moes”, “or “child molesters”). When I asked what that meant specifically the prisoner told me that the guard said, “no more passing shit between cells, or getting the phone when you ask for it”, as just an example.

   I guess I’ve been on “status” since I’ve been here, but never realized it until recently when some of the guards elevated my “status” a couple of notches in order to teach me a lesson (presumably for calling counselor Edwards a “cretin”, which apparently was an indication to these guards that I “didn’t know [my] place”).

   It seems the guards who refused to pass me the phone last month (see “Phone Privileges?” and “Counselor Edwards” expositions) didn’t expect the other prisoners to treat me with any respect at all (by insisting that the guards pass me the phone, for example) when they decided to arbitrarily punish me for “disrespecting” the badge (or so I assume that’s what the “punishment” was for, but since it was all done according to the rules of some unspoken and decidedly childish game, I can only be sure that it had something to do with someone’s precious “pride” being offended). So they solved the “problem” by reminded the other prisoners that if they want to keep receiving “favors” from the guards then they themselves will have to “respect” the guards when they decide to “disrespect” Duncan (me) for being a cho-moe.

   I think this is a pretty good example of how the System propagates the very violence and prejudice that it pretends to protect us all from. This kind of prisoner agitation is common. The guards do it in order to “maintain control” of the prison population. Of course all they are really doing is instigating the very behavior and attitudes that they need evidence of in order to justify their abusive authority measures. It’s the same tactic that “authorities” have been using forever. It even has a name, “divide and conquer”. It can be as obvious as this situation (explained above), or far more subtle and hard to detect at all, as when the police, FBI, and other government authorities in the real world do it. And it’s not a conspiracy; it’s something far more sinister than that. It’s a phenomenon; presently beyond all direct human control (i.e. the guards have no idea that they are creating the violence that it is their job to control, they are only responding out of their fear and ignorance). And it will only stop being a phenomenon when we become aware of it in general terms (philosophers and many other serious thinkers, including some statesmen, have been aware of this phenomenon for thousands of years; but the general public remains oblivious to it, and that’s the only reason it continues to be a phenomenon).

   To be honest, what this other prisoner told me earlier today does not surprise me at all. It is perfectly consistent with what I have come to expect from the “System”. It also helps explain why I have experienced so little (yes, little) harassment from the guards. It seems they have been harassing me in their minds all along (not all of them, just the more ignorant and fear-driven ones, but the rest condone the “harassment” lest they be labelled “sympathizers”) but I haven’t noticed simply because I never (or, at least, rarely) ask them for “favors”. I can only assume, now that I now I’ve been being “harassed” all along, that they’ve assumed I knew I was “harassed” and accepted it as “my place”. So, when I called the counselor a “cretin” they figured I needed to be reminded of “my place”. They’d be really surprised if they knew how much I have refrained from doing far more than name calling, all simply because I no longer cater to such ignorant and fear-based behavior.

Ice Cold Kindness?

   The same guard who threatened my life, if I requested to come out of my cell for “recreation” on his work shift, (because of my crimes against children) has been passing out the daily single scoop of ice to each prisoner on the tier lately. We get one scoop a day, which I genuinely appreciate since it allows me to save one of the 8 oz. skim milks we get each day for breakfast, and drink it cold either with lunch or later in the evening with some saved bran cereal. But, when I saw that “He-man” (not quite sure his real name) was passing out the ice ration I thought, “So much for the cold milk.”

   This is the same federal prison guard who told me he’d kill my family if he knew where they lived and fuck me in the ass (see “Walla Walla Flashback”). He also frequently refused to even just open the food slot for my cell during meals, making the other guards do it instead even when it was his job to open the slots while other guards passed the trays through. So I really wasn’t expecting him to open my food slot and offer me a scoop of ice; but he did! And, he has been scooping ice for me, without comment or prejudice apparent, for a couple of weeks now. Not only that, but the other day he even passed “cell phone” to me from another prisoner when all the guards from the precious shift had refused to do so (see “Phone Privileges”).

   And today, just moments ago, as I stood at my cell door with “ice bucket” (a clean wastepaper can) in hand awaiting my daily ration of frozen water, I watched as he not only scooped up my ice, but went back with the scoop and topped it off to make sure it was as full as possible! He didn’t even do that for the prisoner who got ice just before me!

   I honestly thought that the only reason I’d been getting any ice from this guard at all was because he was trying to alleviate any damage he might have done to his professional reputation with the overt threats and subsequent refusals to do his job opening my slot for meals. But, if that were the case, then why would he so nonchalantly take the extra measure of tapping off the scoop of ice for a prisoner he once refused to even feed?

   Has he changed his opinion of me for some reason? Or, has he simply grown up enough to realize that he is a “professional” after all, and his personal feelings have no place at work? That would be amazing, but not impossible. Or maybe he has just pushed me so far out of his mind, and out of his reality, that I don’t even exist for him as an individual anymore (that’s my preferred solution for people I have to be around that I really can’t stand --- it might not be mentally “healthy”, but it works great if you can do it). In that case then maybe he was just topping off the scoop absent-mindedly, and had no specific thoughts or feelings about me whatsoever.

   Of course, the most likely explanation for this guard’s apparent kindness is, “none of the above”. Whatever the answer is I’ll probably never know. I can’t just ask him; out world isn’t anywhere near being so mature that it would allow such open and honest communication between socially established adversaries. He probably couldn’t tell me the real reason if he wanted to; he mightn’t know how. Or, maybe HE doesn’t even know. Anything is possible, even ice cold kindness.

[J.D. - September 3, 2014]