My Teeth Hurt And Other News

Yesterday my attorneys “made an offer” to the state to allow me to plead guilty if the death penalty is dropped. It would be smart for the state (actually, the county) to accept this offer since a trial in this case would pointlessly cause a lot of unnecessary anguish for the family of the boy who was kidnapped and murdered, as well as for the community in general. Ultimately, whether or not I am killed by the state (Federal or local) will be decided in Federal court. California can do little to nothing to effect what the Federal system decides. So forcing the families and community to go through an ugly trial would be pointless and maybe even cruel. As fas as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter whether it goes to trial or not, except that I'd really rather not be a witness to such futile anguish. That, and my feegin' teeth hurt! So I hope the “deal” is accepted so I can get back to the Federal prison in Terre Haute, Indiana, so I can get my teeth taken care of! Because I have been in one county jail (i.e. “short term confinement facilities”) after another I have been unable to get basic routine dental care. So, now, after almost six years of no floss and shoddy toothbrushes to try to keep my teeth clean my teeth have had enough and are starting to rot in my mouth uncared for. I imagine that just a hundred years ago I would have no place to complain. Back then most people didn't understand the relationship between oral hygiene and dental health. But this is a supposedly informed world these days, and I would hope that I'm not the only one who realizes that no general dental care means painful tooth problems and loss. So far I've managed to keep all of my teeth in my head where they belong (sans third molars, which I paid to have removed while I was living in Fargo, for hygienic convenience). I've never needed any dental work more complicated than a single-surface filling, or filling repair. I have no caps, bridges, root canals, or anything. I never even had to wear braces. But now, after over five years of forced neglect, I need at least one root canal, and probably several more fillings. So, I'm complaining, yes. Because like the trial here in California, there is no reason that I should have to suffer. (Unless you take a sick view of “justice” by thinking that I deserve to suffer severe tooth aches because of what I did to those children and their families. But in that case why shouldn't I just be drawn and quartered? If you think I should, then I wouldn't blame you. I'd just welcome you to the club!) If the offer is not accepted then I will stick to my plan of trying to get the trial over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even if that means firing my attorneys and representing myself again (which is definitely what it would mean). I'd have to fire my attorneys in order to not delay the trial any further simply because there is no way they can be ready for trial in less than at least another year (probably more time than that given the complexity of the case and the multi-jurisdictional issues involved). And if they are not ready then the judge can waive my so-called “right to a speedy trial” over my objections, in order to give my own attorneys time to prepare. And, since the only way I can get my teeth taken care of is to get back into Federal custody (i.e. “long term confinement facilities” which provides basic dental care) I would have no choice but to fire my attorneys, if the plea offer is not accepted, so I can get the trial overwith and then sent back to Terre Haute. I don't like being so drastic, but I don't like being in severe physical pain even less. Let's hope the case is settled quickly to avoid a rotten mess of a trial!

Circle Jerk

Yesterday (Friday) I had a “status hearing” before Judge Downing here in Riverside County (Indio, California). The trial for the case here is tentatively set for some time in March. But the defense attorneys cannot possibly be ready to go by then. So I must either consent to another time waiver (which allows the trial to be delayed again), or dismiss counsel and go to trial pro se (representing myself again). The problem is that I desperately need some basic dental work (fillings) to keep my teeth from needing to be pulled. Because I have been in short term confinement facilities (Jails) for the last five and a half years (since my arrest), and jails only provide “emergency” dental care (basically they only do extractions) and nothing else, I can't even get a general exam to find out what is wrong with my teeth. And my teeth hurt. At least three probably need small fillings, if not a root canal filling. I have always taken care of my teeth. I brush daily (though the only toothbrush I can have in jail frays badly after only two ot three uses) and would floss too, but the jail doesn't allow dental floss (it's supposed to be a “security risk”, but if I want strong nylon string to make a weapon with all I have to do is pull it out of my mattress, which of course, other inmates do all the time, destroying the expensive mattresses in the process). So I still have all my teeth and have never needed anything more than a few fillings, as I do now. The only way I can get the dental work I need is to get this pointless California case overwith so I can go back to Federal prison and have my teeth cleaned, examined and repaired. If I waive time and let the trial be pushed back again (the defense attorneys are asking for “at least 12 months”) then I will not only end up loosing some of my teeth, but I will also have to sit here for up to two months in pain while I wait for an “emergency” appointment to have the teeth pulled. So, I told the defense attorneys that I will not waive time for the trial unless they can guarantee I will have my teeth taken care of. Actually, I asked them about getting my teeth taken care of several months ago (as soon as they took over the case after I stopped representing myself last year). I even told them explicitly that my dental work was my number one concern. But after several months they basically told me that there was nothing they could do. So I told them I had no choice but to get the trial overwith in March so I could go back to Federal prison and have my teeth taken care of. Ultimately, what happens here in California is purely for show and will have no bearing on whether I live or die. If the Feds find me not competent on appeal, then any California death sentence will be rendered mute. And if the Feds find me competent, then they will kill me long before California even gets their hands out of their pants (and don't think too much about what they are doing with their hands in there). So there is no reason why I should sit here in jail and let my teeth rot in my mouth while they enjoy a good long circle jerk with me in the middle of the circle. (I actually wouldn't mind them jerkin' off over me so much if my teeth didn't hurt. It's not that I enjoy the attention of anything, it's just that I understand the “need”... believe me, I understand!) So now the defense lawyers are attempting to solicit funds (defense funds) to pay for a private dentist plus transportation and security to have my teeth worked on. But it appears to me as if they are placating (the requisition they showed me as evidence of their efforts was severely illprepared and underestimated) and trying to get me to waive time without a guarantee. They don't seem to realize how painful a sore tooth can be! They seem to think that I should just buck-up and sweat it out. And I might have considered doing that, IF the trial were anything more than a big pants pocket circle jerk. So, I did not waive time yesterday at the hearing. The court rescheduled another progress hearing for February 22nd. If I don't waive time then the trial will have to go in March, and I will have to represent myself again (since the lawyers cannot be ready by then). That's okay, I just hope my teeth will hold out until March!

Going Bald

I went to “rec” today in order to shave my beard off and cut my hair. For “rec” (short for what the jail calls recreation), I am allowed to go up on the roof of the jail to a domed cage about half the size of a basketball court. There is a basketball, and hoop, and even a handball (much more than most other jails have). I'm allowed one and a half hours, by myself of course, twice a week. But I usually only go once every other month or so, to cut my hair and shave my beard off; like today. The cordless electric trimmers that they let inmates use (only during “rec”) have been an ongoing issue. Because of the constant use they get, they usually only last a few months before the battery stops taking a charge. I've seen at least four different models of cordless trimmers since I've been here, and they seem to get cheaper and cheaper (and stop working sooner) each time they are replaced. There haven't been any trimmers at all available for the last month or so. But I was told they finally got some new ones about a week ago, and I was past due to get my beard wacked off, so today I went to “rec” accordingly. But the “new” trimmers were the cheapest I've ever seen. They would not hold a charge for more than a minute or two at a time. And I had already started to cut my hair when the charge ran out on the first trimmer. They had two, so I exchanged them and tried to continue cutting my hair when the second went dead too. So I shot some hoops while I waited for them to charge some, then tried again. By the end of my hour and a half of “rec”, I had wacked off most of my overgrown hair, but now I had an uneven mess of stubble all over my head and face. Fortunately I had anticipated a problem like this and had a backup plan. They don't let inmates have real razors to shave with (they issue one inch wide “toy” razors that are so dull that they literally rip the hair instead of cutting it, no lie! They're called “no shank razors”, but about the only thing they are good for is making shanks. And, they are so easy to tear apart to get the blade out that they should be called “easy shank razors”. Somebody's making a lot of money by just calling them “no shank razors” for nothing, a very typical “industrial complex” rip off) but I ordered some “Magic Shave” (depilatory cream) from the jail commissary, and after “rec” I went to the shower and smeared almost a whole tube of the stuff all over my head and face! And, behold, 15 minutes later I was as bold as Kojak (but twice as handsome) :) (This is the first time I've ever shaved my head in my life, and I get no thrill from it, so it will probably be the last time too.)

How A Spider Listens

When I find spiders in my cell lately I have been catching them in a styrofoam cup that has a clear plastic lid. When I find flies, or other insects, I put them in the same cup. The spiders are kept happy, I think. The other bugs, not so much. I like to watch the spiders spin their webs, catch their food, and feed. The largest one gets most of the prizes, and she has even molted once already, much to my surprize! But she is still only about one centimeter toe-to-toe. I wonder how big she will get. The smallest are less than a millimeter toe-to-toe; barely even specks of dust. But they are just a bold as the largest. I saw one of the smallest actually pounce a fly that was the size of a house by comparison! All the spiders in my little cup (five to date) seem to be the same species. I have often said that all living creatures are potential teachers. From my spiders I have learned a lesson that I have been seeking for years. I did not understand why the Eastern teachers of peace and wisdom put so much emphasis on correct posture and form in their practice. The big spider in my cup taught me why. As I was watching her preparing and mending her web, apparently in anticipation of the particularly large fly that was in the cup at the time but not yet caught in the web, I was fascinated by her every move. But most interesting of all was when she finally moved back to the center of the web. As I carefully watched, she assumed the “listening position”. She grabbed several strands of the web and put slight tension on them. I could see her do this by the way the web moved as she settled down to wait. Then, once she had the right tension on the lines and the right position of her body and legs (with her legs symetrically arranged, probably so she could balance the slight tension on her body from the web) she did a very humanlike thing: she wiggled her behind as if settling in to a comfortable position. Then she did not move at all. She would remain completely still for as long as it takes for the “understanding to come” (i.e. the fly to become trapped in her web). I suddenly saw clearly that she was “meditating”! Many things I had read in Buddhist books suddenly made more sense to me. The need for proper posture in order to balance the slight tension we keep on the web of our experience. I already understood that meditation was a form of listening, and now I understood the relation that correct posture and form have to the act of listening. Of course, I cannot truly express the understanding I have “caught in my web”, using these words in this blog. But anyone who has experienced the way nature teaches us might at least smile at the lesson I have learned. I could ask no more.

Back in Indio

A few weeks ago I was unexpectedly put on a transport merry-go-round from Blythe to Indio to Riverside then back to Indio. I supposedly had a dental appointment in Riverside but I did not know what for. But by the way I get transported and left overnight in a holding cell, with nothing but a toilet and hard bench to sit on, and then all day in another holding cell with chains on my hands and feet (yes, much like in a medieval dungeon only with more lights). I presume I must have made someone in a command position angry about something; I'm just not sure what.
Oh well, (as I always say) the merry-go-round stopped in Indio for some reason, so here I am (so much for the „solution” to the noise problem).
I don't mind. They could put me in a real dungeon chained to a wall and I would still not mind. They have as much right to bring suffering into the world as I did (and still do). If I decried them that right then I would only be condemning myself, which is something I no longer feel the need to do.

Transfer to Blythe Jail

Yesterday morning i chose to seek an „internal solution to my problem” (of being harrased by an inmate trustee) and the payoff came much sooner than i thought it would. But, instead of the philosophical insight that i expected, the solution came in a very material form. Rather than attacking the other inmate (which was my „old school” inclination) i released my irritation over his behavior and addressed the real problem: being woke up in the middle of the night and often kept awake by incessant noise.
The trustee only made himself a target of my underlying frustration over the noise levels in the cell i was in The noise was excessive, to say the least, because of the cell's location in a high traffic hallway and also because noisy and dissruptive inmates who yell and bang on the doors for no good reason are routinely placed in the cells adjacent to the one that i was in. So instead of „punishing” the intrusive trustee with a „golden shower” (spraying urine on him through the door), which probably would have only made things worse by instigating the trustee to find some way to „punish” me in return (which is also why crime escalates in the wider world when society turns to „punishment” as a solution), i instead sent a kite to the classification sergeant, requesting that some solution to the noise problem be found (withuot specifically mentioning the incident with the trustee). I had hoped, at best, to be allowed to have a pair of foam rubber earplugs (which they sell on commisary at other jails but not here in Riverside), but to my delight and surprise i got something much better.
I got moved to a completely different and far more comfortable jail! I'm still in Riverside County, of course, but they packed me up and drove me some 90 miles East to a jail in Blythe, which is right on the Arizona-California border along Interstate 10. The cell they put me in has a real metal bunk (with a top bunk over a lower which provides a little shade from the blarring florescent lights that are standard in most jail cells these days) a complete mattress, a 20 inch color T.V.! And even hot water on tap (for coffee). And the food is better!
I can't believe my luck. I even got a clean new blanket that is at least twice the thickness of the blanket i had at the other jail in Indio (and it's not torn up either). And of course, most of all, it' quiet! Relative to the cell i was in at Indio this one is like a morgue. I slept last night like a baby.
The only problem here could end up being a blessing in disguise. The problem is that i now have to be transported 90 miles for all court appearances. The ride can be a bit uncomfortable, but getting „out and about” once and a while is pleasant also. I know i won't enjoy all the hassles that go along with being transported (getting chained up and often waiting for hours in featureless holding cells). But the peace and quiet alone is more than worth it!

Golden Showers

For the last several nights, including just tonight, I have been awakened in the middle of the night by a large "skinhead" trustee who covertly bangs on the door of the cell I am in as he mops past in the hall. So for the last couple of nights I banged back on the door and called him every name I could think of to try to discourage him. It seems I only encouraged him instead.

So my next plan was to resort to "old school" prison tactics. I emptied a pack of jelly which is like a fast food restaurant "ketchup pack", only twice as long, so it can be inserted through the door crack. Then I poked a few small holes in the unopened end. Now, I have only to insert the device through the door, and the next time that trustee mops past my door I will fill it with urine (if I wanted to be really mean I would mix in some feces, but I've never gone that far before), then squeeze my side closed so the liquid sprays out through the holes on the other side of the door, "giving the punk a golden shower".

But, I say: "was", because my conscience will no longer allow me to do it. I have no real anger toward the trustee. I just want him to stop banging on my door. And it's easy to rationalize "teaching him a lesson". But I won't. Because I believe now that such rationalizations are self-deceptive and destructive. I will seek a solution to this problem inside myself instead.